how well do you know yourself...?

As I was riding the train on my way home from work, I saw an ad posted for Loyola University, which read:

“Know yourself first
Change the world second.”

It got my attention.  It got me thinking.   Hmmmmm, know yourself first.  How well do I know myself?  

Do I really know who I am?    I know my limits…at least I think I do.  But do I really know them if I haven’t been pushed hard enough?  What are my strengths and weaknesses?  Questions I hate because I don’t know how to answer them.  

Know yourself first… o.k. well, I’m… I… I don’t even know what to say.  Every time I try to put it into words… things about me… I draw blanks!  

The other day, one of my daughter’s friends asked me, “What did you want to be when you were growing up?”  I honesty didn’t know what to say.  Did I have dreams and hopes?  Did I ever think I would amount to anything?  I finally answered, “I wanted to be a flight attendant.”  Yeah… I think I wanted to be that.  At least it was one my choices.  

A long time ago in school, I was given a short questionnaire which contained questions about myself, i.e. what type of career I wanted to have, etc.   I knew kids who knew exactly what they wanted to be and where they were headed.  I kept going back and forth with my answers as to what I wanted to be and what kind of career I would choose.  I couldn’t make up my mind.  I didn’t think I could be a professional such as a lawyer or a doctor because I had to deal with people and I wasn’t confident enough to be able to make tough and serious decisions.  

I remember answering that I wanted to be an actress/model/dancer.  Of course, it was something I knew was not within my reach.  I loved to sing but I don’t have the voice for it.  I wanted to be a model but I was too short and didn’t have the skinny body.  I loved the movies and dancing so I thought I could be an actress and a dancer, and yet, I was too shy and embarrassed to even go onstage.  

I was…still am hopeless.  If I were to start all over, I still wouldn’t know exactly want I want to be.  I could never make up mind… I’m too indecisive.  I tend to be embarrassed easily and I have low self-esteem.  

Now that the kids are a little older, they seem to pay more attention.  I have to be careful… I don’t want my kids to grow up and be like me.  

So how can I possibly make a difference… especially in my children’s lives?

Try as I might, my only hope is that I am a good mother to them and that that in itself will make a difference.