depression...

What is depression?  

It’s not something that you think about, but many women, men and even children suffer from it.  Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions so it is considered a medical illness.  Some People have to be treated and given medication to help them get through life.  

I know of a few friends, including family members who suffer from depression, whether it has been diagnosed or not.

I don’t think I suffer from depression, but I’ve shown some symptoms.  And yet, I can’t bring myself to talk about it with family or friends.  So I think I’m going to write about it instead.  

Here’s a questionnaire that I’ve answered:  

Feeling sad - There have been many occasion when suddenly, it just creeps up on me.  And bam!  I’m depressed!  I have this feeling of hopelessness, sadness and feeling like I’m never going to be happy or content with my life.  There are times I feel so alone even when I have people around me.  I think to myself, “Why am I here?”  You say, “Mid-life crisis?”  No.  I’m not there yet.  And no, I am not at the stage where I have to know “the meaning of life”.    

Increased/decrease appetite/weight – Sometimes I get this feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.  Some people lose their appetite.  But not me!  How do I relieve that feeling of emptiness?  I eat!  I eat, even when I’m not hungry hoping that that will help fill the void.  Therefore, the weight gain!  

Sleep – I don’t have a hard time falling asleep.  Unless, of course, I have something in mind that I am worried about.  But there have been times when I don’t want to get out of bed at all.  Although this hasn’t happened as often, because I’ve forced myself to get up, especially when my kids are around, it’s impossible to stay in bed.  But when it does hit, I do stay in bed and I sleep for long periods of time.  I get this feeling of never wanting to wake up.  

Concentration/decision making - I feel very indecisive.  I spend too much time trying to figure out simple matters like how I should decide or what should I say.  It is so frustrating!  I have a hard time concentrating too.  When someone speaks to me, I begin to get nervous and my mind tends to wonder.  I only hear half of what they’re saying and at times I don’t even remember what they said to me.  

View of my self – There are times when I think I truly hate myself.  I am very critical of me, so I’m never happy with myself.  I am also more self-blaming than usual.  I feel like things happen and its all my fault.  I tend to feel like I cause problems for others, especially my family.  

General Interests - I have been less interested in being around people and activities.  There are times when my husband and I fight because, I don’t what to go out or do anything.  I have friends that I haven’t seen in a long time even though we live nearby but whom I try to avoid because I don’t feel good about myself.  I’m always finding something wrong with me, my clothes, etc.  Using every excuse not to do anything.  I rather stay home.  I’m still young.  So why do I feel this way?  

Feeling slowed down - My life seems to be always in a rush.  So when I start feeling blue, I tend to slow down, I can’t move fast enough, in fact I don’t want to move at all.    I also have a hard time responding to simple questions.  It’s almost like I can’t get my words organized in my mind so they come out totally garbled or backwards.  Maybe I’m just thinking too fast but the words come out too slow, I stutter and I feel stupid!

Energy level – There are times when I think I can’t handle it anymore.  I have no more energy.  I want to give up.  My family is what keeps me going, but it’s hard at times.  I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone.  

Restlessness – When I get that empty feeling inside, I tend to get restless.  I worry too much.  I try hard not to think about it, but it keeps running in my mind over and over until I feel like I’m going to explode.  I need to do something but what?  

And last, but not least…

Thoughts of Death or Suicide – I have to admit, I have thought about death.  There were times when I have felt so useless that I’ve wondered if I am worth living.  But in all honesty, even with all those bad feelings, I am scared of dying.  Death is so final and I love my family enough to want to live.  So, no, I don’t want to kill myself.  I may have thought about it once or twice, but I would never consider hurting myself, or acting on it.  Life is too precious and no matter what, I do appreciate it.  

Even though at times I feel like there is no hope, I don’t know where it comes from, but I find it in me to push myself to continue moving forward.   And when I do, I feel alive!  I feel like shouting out “Yes!”  “Life is worth living!”

So to summarize my mini-diagnosis - the reality is - I know I have to make certain changes in order to help me improve my outlook in life.  There are ways to help (i.e., relaxation, exercise and being able to modify or adjust the way I do things).  

Are there signs of depression here…maybe?  But in my case, it may be that depression is all in the mind.