driving...

My biggest sin in life is that I don’t drive!  How awful is that!  I know, I know, how can I possibly not drive?  People tell me, “I would be lost without my car!”  

Not me!  I hate driving!  I’ve managed to avoid driving all these years.  But now that my kids are getting older and they have to be driven to practices, school, etc., I have been forced to drive.  If it were up to me, I would never drive.   How have I managed?  Thank God for my hubby, family, friends and public transportation.  But this all coming to and end.  It has come to a point where they are all pushing me to drive and I know it’s for my own good.  I’ve come to realize that I can no longer depend on other people.  And I have to start thinking about my kids.  

My husband and I have fought over this many a times.  You don’t know how many nights I’ve cried and blamed myself for things that happened because of this.  I think to myself, “What kind of mother am I?”   And in the end I feel like shit and depressed because I know it’s my own fault.  I picture how things would be if only I could drive.  I would be able to go to many places and take my kids to wherever they want to go without having to wait on anybody.  And yet, when it comes down to it, I can’t manage to get in the car and go.  

My problem… I think I have a fear of driving.  When I get behind the wheel, I start getting nervous.  My body begins to tremble.  I hold on to the steering wheel so tight, that after a period of time, my hands begin to feel numb.

I don’t know why, but I begin to imagine that cars are coming right on top of me.  I can almost picture it in my mind, me driving and having an accident.  I guess that’s one of my biggest fears, especially, when I have my kids in the car.  I sometimes feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

How did I manage to get my driver’s license?   The first time I took the driving test, I failed it because I got so nervous that I screwed up.  The second time around, I made sure that I was calm and ready.  And I actually did it.  I was so happy when I got my license.  I thought for sure I would be driving like everyone else.  But to this day, it still hasn’t happened.

Normally, I don’t want the kids talking to me or have the radio playing.  I feel like it distracts me and I can’t concentrate.  But yesterday, for whatever reason, I was actually feeling good and had the radio on.  My kids were asking a few questions and I was responding.  I then realized, “Wow!”  I’m actually driving without feeling nervous!  I started getting confident… and maybe a little too confident!  

When I was pulling out of the alley to get to my driveway, I heard one of my old favorite songs.  I raised the volume and was singing away to the tune, and as I turned to pull up on my driveway, next thing I know, I bumped into something and hard.  What the hell!  I guess I didn’t turn the wheel enough to avoid hitting the little lip that separates the front yard from the driveway.  The kids began to shriek and laugh.  And I began to get nervous.  What’s worse, some of my neighbors were out and others were walking on the sidewalk.  I’m trying to calm down and act normal, like I know what I’m doing.  I was putting my foot on the breaks, so I thought, and I accidentally hit the gas instead.  So there goes the truck, slamming on the lip again!  Shit!  I turn to see the couple of people that were watching me as they soon began to laugh too. OMG!  How embarrassing!  

I was so nervous that I tried reversing and bam!  I hit the lip again!  What is going on here?  What the hell am I doing?  Well, I forgot to change the shift to reverse!  What a dumb ass!  My kids thought this was all funny and I’m here having a heart attack!  My neighbors probably thought I was drunk!

I finally set it on reverse, fixed my wheel, put it on drive and drove into my driveway the right way.  I actually managed to turn off the ignition, get out of the car and act as if nothing had happened!  But of course, my kids wouldn’t let up. They got out and started saying out loud, “Mom!”  “Look what you did to the lip!” “You cracked it!” I’m looking at them and saying, “Get inside the house now!”  My daughter says, “Oh, I think you scratched daddy’s car!”  “Mom, what’s wrong with you?!”  

I felt so embarrassed!  I went inside the house upset with myself.  I wanted to cry.  Then I started thinking, if this incident happened in the driveway, imagine what would have happened if I were parking out on the street!  

After I manage to calm down a little, I began thinking about it.  It suddenly became funny to me.  I began to laugh at myself.  “What a dork!”  Oh, well…!  

Slowly I’ve been improving, day by day.  But it’s going to take some time.  I just wish I would hurry up and do it!