reflection...

I was staring at myself in the mirror. I’ve never been one to take the time to fix my hair. But as the little girl stared back at me, I knew I had to do something with it. My hair was long and stringy. My bangs were also getting a little long in the front so I decided to brush them to one side. I can’t remember if I used hairspray or some type of gel but I remember it being sticky. I kept brushing and brushing until my bangs were flat … actually they were stuck to my forehead. When I was finally through brushing my hair, I went outside to join my mom, my aunt and my cousin who were sitting in the front steps talking. They turned around to look at me and their reaction was one of “what the… what did you do to your hair?” And then they started laughing and I mean they were laughing hard to the point of tears. They made comments which they thought were funny about my hair but I thought they were hurtful and mean. I ran back inside the house and began to cry. I guess what hurt the most was that my own mother made fun of me. I grabbed the brush and brushed my hair until I thought it was going to fall off. I’ll never forget that awful feeling and how hurt I was. I was six years old.

Looking back now, I think that’s where it all began…my low self-esteem (among other things). I’m never comfortable or satisfied with how I look. I don’t have that many pictures of myself for that reason.

Recently, I came across an old picture of me… I was 22. I stared at the photo in amazement. Was this really how I looked? I couldn’t believe that was me in the picture. I actually looked pretty good and I didn’t look fat. So why did I believe that I was back then?

(Sigh)…wish my weight now is what it was at age 22.

Today, as I looked in the mirror, again became upset with the image it reflected of me. I can’t believe how old I looked, not because of my age, but because of the way I feel inside (which also reflects on the way I wear my clothes)… that’s because I’m always trying to hide and cover up. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what I wear or how I look, I’ll never be happy with myself.

I need to do something… but where do I begin? How do I begin? Every time I want to start an exercise routine or do something for myself, something always comes up. There’s always and excuse! I’m having a hard time (emotionally and physically) with things that are going on in my life. The sad part is that I know somehow this is going to affect my kids too. I don’t want them to grow up like I did…insecure and hating myself.

I heard a saying that goes something like this… “Love others as you would love yourself.” How can you possibly love someone, if you don’t love yourself? And how can you love yourself if you don’t make the time?