frustrated...!

Yesterday, I got another early Christmas gift!  I don’t know why, but this is my second early gift this year.  

On Thanksgiving, my sister got me a karaoke machine.  She knows I love to sing (even though I suck!)  And the reason she gave it to me early was because she knew it was going to entertain the kids on Thanksgiving and later on Christmas…and it sure did!  They had so much fun with it.  I actually had to fight with my kids to get a few words of a song in…!  

And now, I have another early present… my very own digital camera!  Yay!  I’m so excited!!!!  I’ve spent too much money already on disposal cameras, getting them developed and putting the pictures on CD that it just made sense that I spend that kind of money on a real digital camera.  I have wanted one for so long that my hubby finally got it for me.  He couldn’t wait until Christmas to give it to me and I couldn’t wait to open my present until then.  

So here I am taking pictures and loving it!  I tried it out… things look good.  I’m not very good at taking pictures, but I love sending pics to my family and friends who I connect with over the Internet and e-mail.  My son now wants one too.  He seems to enjoy taking pictures like me. I told him as soon as I feel comfortable enough with the camera, I will show him how to use it and let him take some pictures too.

But now I noticed one thing wrong… I cannot make it download my pictures.  I already installed the program, connected the USB cable to camera/computer and nothing happens.  I tried transferring from the computer and it keeps giving a “device not found”, or “device not connected”.  I read the instructions, I went into the website, and nothing seems to work!  I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t know if I’m missing something, or it’s the camera that doesn’t function.   But I have a feeling it’s my computer.  After all, it’s a few years old.  I do have Windows 2000 though so I would think there shouldn’t be a problem. But who knows…?  I’m going to have to try it out on another computer to see if it works or I’m the one with the problem!  Too bad…!

And of course, as I’m spending time trying to figure this out, cussing out my computer and my new camera, I start smelling something burning.  It smelled like melting plastic.  Earlier, my son had been making hamburgers on the stove.  He enjoys cooking (it’s a good thing because I suck at that too!)  So I had to get up and check up on him a few times to make sure eh didn’t burn anything and while there, I took a picture of him cooking.  So when I smelled something burning, I yelled out to him to see if he accidentally burned something.  He said, “No mom, I’ve already finished and I turned the stove off.”  The smell was getting stronger and stronger, so I had to get off my butt and check out the stove.  Nothing.  I asked my daughter if she new what may be burning and she said, “Come here, let me show you”.  I’m like, “What do you mean?”  “Are you burning something?”   She takes me downstairs to the basement where we also have an extra oven and she says, “I think the tray burned.”   “What tray?” I asked.  “The tray where I put the pizza on."  I opened the oven door and sure enough, she had used a plastic tray to warm up the pizza in the oven.  “Why did you use a plastic tray?”  “Don’t you know it melts?!”  My daughter answers, “I didn’t know it was plastic.”  Knowing my daughter, I think she just got whatever was downstairs instead of going upstairs to the kitchen to get a pizza tray.

So I carefully removed the pizza from the oven as it was too hot.  The good thing is that she had wrapped most of the plastic in foil so the pizza was still good but the plastic did melt and it dripped all over the oven racks and the bottom of the oven.  I took the racks out and proceeded to clean them out.  I had to use a butter knife to scrape most of the hardened plastic that got stuck on them.  I ended up with several burns, cuts on my hands and fingers!  I was so upset!  I told my daughter that next time if she wasn’t sure about something to ask.  I’m glad we didn’t leave the house or fall asleep!  

And as I was scraping off the bottom of the stove trying to get the hardened plastic off, I turned around to get a rag from the sink and there was my husband sitting on a chair watching me!  I let out a scream!  He scared the hell out of me!  He said to me, “You see, I’ve been here for a while and you didn’t even know I was here.”  “I could have been a burglar.”  

He was gone most of the day and I swear I never heard him come in.  I guess I get too involved with things.  I have to be careful.  First my daughter almost burns the house down and then, I could have had a burglar inside the house!  

And right now, I am totally frustrated that I can’t download my pictures to my computer!

Thanksgiving...

I can’t believe Thanksgiving has come and gone!

It took me two days to clean out my house and get it ready for Thanksgiving. I was so glad when that got done!

As is tradition, we have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. And every year the family keeps growing.

My dining room table seats 6 and my kitchen table seats 4. So for Thanksgiving we always put those two tables together in the dining room to seat up to 13 people. The kids are seated on an extra table, which is set in the living by opening up the doors from the dining room to the living room so we can all be together.

This year, my sister and I were counting how many people were coming over this year and found out that we had a total of 20 adults and 10 kids. There was no way we were going to be able to seat that many people in my dining room ---although we were missing a few family members this year---we also added a couple of new ones.

In order for everyone to be seated at the table, we decided to set up the tables in the living room and moved the sofas into the dining room. We manage to seat all 19 adults in the living room by putting three tables together. There was only enough space on one side of the table for people to walk through.

My sister came over early on Thanksgiving to prepare and cook the turkey (and in the end, she pretty much cooked everything else!) My husband, who usually cooks the ham, had my sister do that too. I usually make the simple things like stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and the veggies. But this year, I only cleaned!

The rest of the family also brought a dish, deserts, sodas and wine with them. We had two turkeys, ham, stuffed chicken, rice, salad, stuffing, corn, green beans, three types of potatoes (mashed/fried/cheese au gratin potatoes); stuffed green peppers, corn muffins, biscuits and gravy. There was so much food! I think I gained 10 pounds! I am still stuffed from everything we ate!

After dinner, the adults sat around the table or in the dining room where the sofas were set, while the kids went downstairs in the basement to play and have their own little party there with the new karaoke machine that my sister gave us as an early Christmas present. It kept the kids entertained all night long!

Unfortunately, I do not have a dishwasher so my aunt helped me with the dishes, while others cleared the tables. Once we had that done, then it was time for desert. Who had room with all that food we consumed? After looking at those homemade pies and cookies, believe me, we made some room for it!

Finally, after everyone left, I still ended up staying up until 3 a.m. cleaning out the rooms and doing the left over dishes so I didn’t have to do too much the next day. (Next on my X-mas list…a dishwasher!)

It just amazes me how much work is put into this and in a few hours worth of time, everything is over. Fortunately, everything turned out well. We had a feast --dinner was delicious--but more importantly we enjoyed each other’s company.

trying to get ready for Thanksgiving...

Last week and over the weekend, I was very busy.  Friday, after work I went and got my hair colored and cut.  It’s short again and the color is chestnut brown.  I actually had a guy do my hair this time…I think I like it!  So by the time I got home I was already running late for one my friend’s daughter’s birthday party.  On Saturday, I cleaned the living room and waited for the furniture guy to come repair my couch that had a spring sticking out.  He didn’t show up until almost 2:30 p.m.  

On Sunday, I was helping out at a fundraiser that we were holding for the baseball league and didn’t get home until late in the evening.  So I really didn’t get much done at home.    

This morning I got to work late.  Got there and my boss was already there in a meeting.  Had me doing too many things at once that I actually ended up screwing something up!  Damn!  Not good…!  I think I’m losing it!

I’m getting stressed and I’m feeling it.  But it’s my own fault.  As always, when it comes to home, I tend to wait until the last minute to get things done.  Right now, I’m in the process of clearing some things out in my basement.  And of course, I keep getting interrupted.  If it’s not the kids, it’s the dogs or my husband.  So here I am taking a mini break.  

I just can’t believe that Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  I kept thinking I still had another week or so.  How times flies!!!!  

And to boot, certain sections of my house do not have electricity.  Why?  I don’t know.  I may have blown a fuse, or possibly something even worse!  My husband doesn’t know much about electricity so he called a friend to check out the fuse box.  That guy said, it doesn’t look like it’s the fuse box; it may be something more of an electrical problem!    Great!  Just great!

My husband called an electrician.  He’s supposed to come to check it out tomorrow.   I hope it’s not too serious!  And I hope he can fix it before Thanksgiving!

I know I have a lot of cleaning up to do at home.  Again, don’t know where to begin.  Everywhere I turn there is a mess!  Can’t seem to get this house in any kind of order.  Where did I go wrong?  Every day, it seems to be getting worse and worse.  

I decided to begin by cleaning and clearing out some of the junk in the basement.  Hopefully, I can get it clean enough to look presentable.  

I know there will be quite a few people coming over for Thanksgiving and there’s much to be done.  So I gotta cut with the chit chat!  Gotta go!  

it's coooold....!

Last weekend, the winds were blowing at 35-45 mph.  Soon the temperature began to drop.  Now, it’s really cold!  This morning I heard on the weather report that it was 30 degrees and will probably drop as low as 9 degrees tonight! Brrrrrr!

It is so cold outside that my lips are already chapped and my hands are very dry.  I hate this weather!   When I went to work this morning, the wind was hitting my face and it felt like little razors slicing at my skin.  My eyes began to tear and my ear lobes began to feel numb from the cold.  I didn’t have a hat on so I took off my scarf and wrapped it around my head.  I didn’t care how I looked…hell…when it’s this cold all I care about is keeping myself warm.

As I was waiting for the train, a young girl walks by me.  She was wearing a light jacket, no scarf, gloves or hat.  You can tell she was freezing but I’m sure she thought she looked cool.  I thought to myself… yeah, I remember those days… walking like “I can handle it!”   I remember one time a friend of mine came out with her hair wet.  It was so cold that when she touched her hair, it was frozen!  She actually snapped off a piece of her hair that’s how frozen it was!  Could you believe it?!

Funny, how as you get older, you realize f**ck this shit!  I’m not stupid!  

driving...

My biggest sin in life is that I don’t drive!  How awful is that!  I know, I know, how can I possibly not drive?  People tell me, “I would be lost without my car!”  

Not me!  I hate driving!  I’ve managed to avoid driving all these years.  But now that my kids are getting older and they have to be driven to practices, school, etc., I have been forced to drive.  If it were up to me, I would never drive.   How have I managed?  Thank God for my hubby, family, friends and public transportation.  But this all coming to and end.  It has come to a point where they are all pushing me to drive and I know it’s for my own good.  I’ve come to realize that I can no longer depend on other people.  And I have to start thinking about my kids.  

My husband and I have fought over this many a times.  You don’t know how many nights I’ve cried and blamed myself for things that happened because of this.  I think to myself, “What kind of mother am I?”   And in the end I feel like shit and depressed because I know it’s my own fault.  I picture how things would be if only I could drive.  I would be able to go to many places and take my kids to wherever they want to go without having to wait on anybody.  And yet, when it comes down to it, I can’t manage to get in the car and go.  

My problem… I think I have a fear of driving.  When I get behind the wheel, I start getting nervous.  My body begins to tremble.  I hold on to the steering wheel so tight, that after a period of time, my hands begin to feel numb.

I don’t know why, but I begin to imagine that cars are coming right on top of me.  I can almost picture it in my mind, me driving and having an accident.  I guess that’s one of my biggest fears, especially, when I have my kids in the car.  I sometimes feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

How did I manage to get my driver’s license?   The first time I took the driving test, I failed it because I got so nervous that I screwed up.  The second time around, I made sure that I was calm and ready.  And I actually did it.  I was so happy when I got my license.  I thought for sure I would be driving like everyone else.  But to this day, it still hasn’t happened.

Normally, I don’t want the kids talking to me or have the radio playing.  I feel like it distracts me and I can’t concentrate.  But yesterday, for whatever reason, I was actually feeling good and had the radio on.  My kids were asking a few questions and I was responding.  I then realized, “Wow!”  I’m actually driving without feeling nervous!  I started getting confident… and maybe a little too confident!  

When I was pulling out of the alley to get to my driveway, I heard one of my old favorite songs.  I raised the volume and was singing away to the tune, and as I turned to pull up on my driveway, next thing I know, I bumped into something and hard.  What the hell!  I guess I didn’t turn the wheel enough to avoid hitting the little lip that separates the front yard from the driveway.  The kids began to shriek and laugh.  And I began to get nervous.  What’s worse, some of my neighbors were out and others were walking on the sidewalk.  I’m trying to calm down and act normal, like I know what I’m doing.  I was putting my foot on the breaks, so I thought, and I accidentally hit the gas instead.  So there goes the truck, slamming on the lip again!  Shit!  I turn to see the couple of people that were watching me as they soon began to laugh too. OMG!  How embarrassing!  

I was so nervous that I tried reversing and bam!  I hit the lip again!  What is going on here?  What the hell am I doing?  Well, I forgot to change the shift to reverse!  What a dumb ass!  My kids thought this was all funny and I’m here having a heart attack!  My neighbors probably thought I was drunk!

I finally set it on reverse, fixed my wheel, put it on drive and drove into my driveway the right way.  I actually managed to turn off the ignition, get out of the car and act as if nothing had happened!  But of course, my kids wouldn’t let up. They got out and started saying out loud, “Mom!”  “Look what you did to the lip!” “You cracked it!” I’m looking at them and saying, “Get inside the house now!”  My daughter says, “Oh, I think you scratched daddy’s car!”  “Mom, what’s wrong with you?!”  

I felt so embarrassed!  I went inside the house upset with myself.  I wanted to cry.  Then I started thinking, if this incident happened in the driveway, imagine what would have happened if I were parking out on the street!  

After I manage to calm down a little, I began thinking about it.  It suddenly became funny to me.  I began to laugh at myself.  “What a dork!”  Oh, well…!  

Slowly I’ve been improving, day by day.  But it’s going to take some time.  I just wish I would hurry up and do it!

depression...

What is depression?  

It’s not something that you think about, but many women, men and even children suffer from it.  Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions so it is considered a medical illness.  Some People have to be treated and given medication to help them get through life.  

I know of a few friends, including family members who suffer from depression, whether it has been diagnosed or not.

I don’t think I suffer from depression, but I’ve shown some symptoms.  And yet, I can’t bring myself to talk about it with family or friends.  So I think I’m going to write about it instead.  

Here’s a questionnaire that I’ve answered:  

Feeling sad - There have been many occasion when suddenly, it just creeps up on me.  And bam!  I’m depressed!  I have this feeling of hopelessness, sadness and feeling like I’m never going to be happy or content with my life.  There are times I feel so alone even when I have people around me.  I think to myself, “Why am I here?”  You say, “Mid-life crisis?”  No.  I’m not there yet.  And no, I am not at the stage where I have to know “the meaning of life”.    

Increased/decrease appetite/weight – Sometimes I get this feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.  Some people lose their appetite.  But not me!  How do I relieve that feeling of emptiness?  I eat!  I eat, even when I’m not hungry hoping that that will help fill the void.  Therefore, the weight gain!  

Sleep – I don’t have a hard time falling asleep.  Unless, of course, I have something in mind that I am worried about.  But there have been times when I don’t want to get out of bed at all.  Although this hasn’t happened as often, because I’ve forced myself to get up, especially when my kids are around, it’s impossible to stay in bed.  But when it does hit, I do stay in bed and I sleep for long periods of time.  I get this feeling of never wanting to wake up.  

Concentration/decision making - I feel very indecisive.  I spend too much time trying to figure out simple matters like how I should decide or what should I say.  It is so frustrating!  I have a hard time concentrating too.  When someone speaks to me, I begin to get nervous and my mind tends to wonder.  I only hear half of what they’re saying and at times I don’t even remember what they said to me.  

View of my self – There are times when I think I truly hate myself.  I am very critical of me, so I’m never happy with myself.  I am also more self-blaming than usual.  I feel like things happen and its all my fault.  I tend to feel like I cause problems for others, especially my family.  

General Interests - I have been less interested in being around people and activities.  There are times when my husband and I fight because, I don’t what to go out or do anything.  I have friends that I haven’t seen in a long time even though we live nearby but whom I try to avoid because I don’t feel good about myself.  I’m always finding something wrong with me, my clothes, etc.  Using every excuse not to do anything.  I rather stay home.  I’m still young.  So why do I feel this way?  

Feeling slowed down - My life seems to be always in a rush.  So when I start feeling blue, I tend to slow down, I can’t move fast enough, in fact I don’t want to move at all.    I also have a hard time responding to simple questions.  It’s almost like I can’t get my words organized in my mind so they come out totally garbled or backwards.  Maybe I’m just thinking too fast but the words come out too slow, I stutter and I feel stupid!

Energy level – There are times when I think I can’t handle it anymore.  I have no more energy.  I want to give up.  My family is what keeps me going, but it’s hard at times.  I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone.  

Restlessness – When I get that empty feeling inside, I tend to get restless.  I worry too much.  I try hard not to think about it, but it keeps running in my mind over and over until I feel like I’m going to explode.  I need to do something but what?  

And last, but not least…

Thoughts of Death or Suicide – I have to admit, I have thought about death.  There were times when I have felt so useless that I’ve wondered if I am worth living.  But in all honesty, even with all those bad feelings, I am scared of dying.  Death is so final and I love my family enough to want to live.  So, no, I don’t want to kill myself.  I may have thought about it once or twice, but I would never consider hurting myself, or acting on it.  Life is too precious and no matter what, I do appreciate it.  

Even though at times I feel like there is no hope, I don’t know where it comes from, but I find it in me to push myself to continue moving forward.   And when I do, I feel alive!  I feel like shouting out “Yes!”  “Life is worth living!”

So to summarize my mini-diagnosis - the reality is - I know I have to make certain changes in order to help me improve my outlook in life.  There are ways to help (i.e., relaxation, exercise and being able to modify or adjust the way I do things).  

Are there signs of depression here…maybe?  But in my case, it may be that depression is all in the mind.  

grey mood...

Last Saturday, the winds were blowing so hard that most of the leaves fell off the huge chestnut tree on my backyard.  The tree was full of leaves and I was beginning to wonder when and if they were going to fall off.  Most of the leaves hadn’t even turned yellow yet.  They were still green!  They don’t call it the Windy City for nothing.

This morning, I woke up to a dark gray sky.  (Sigh)  It’s finally starting to feel like winter.  It’s getting cold and today it has been raining and drizzling all day.  What’s worse, by 4:00 o’clock it seems like it is 8:00!  Pretty soon we won’t see the sun much!   It really puts me in a lousy, depressing mood!   This sucks!

going to the movies...

Last Saturday, I was on the phone with my mom and we talked for a couple of hours.  I hardly ever see her anymore.  She does not live near me so I only get to see her on occasion and only on the weekends.  We were just chatting away when I remembered to tell her about my little incident of when I thought I had lost my daughter.  I told her how awful and scared I felt for those 20 minutes that I didn’t know where my daughter was.  My mom says to me, “You see, now you know how I felt the day I lost you!”  I began to laugh because I remember it like it was yesterday.  In fact, one day out of the blue I saw it clearly in mind (almost like a little movie playing in my mind).  At first, I thought it was a dream but when I told my mom about it, she confirmed everything.  Funny how I could remember something that happened a long time ago but I can’t remember things that happened yesterday.  

I was born in Mexico and lived in a small town near Guadalajara.  My dad left Mexico to come to the United States to work, while my mom and I stayed behind and lived with my grandma.  

I was two or three years old at the time and my mom would take me to the movies almost every weekend.  My mom told me that I loved going to the movies because every time we would get ready to go out, I would get excited and ask if we were going there.  

Here is what I remember:

My mom was brushing my hair and I asked her if we were going to the movies.  My mom says, “No, we’re not.”  She kept brushing my hair… “Mom… are we going to the movies?”  “No!”  Well, after asking one too many times and even after my mom had said no several times, she finally gave in and said, “Yes, we’re going to the movies”.  (Later I found out that my mom was really getting us ready to go visit an aunt who was ill.)

While she was finishing getting ready, I became very impatient.  And what I remember next is getting a chair that was near the door and moving it closer so I could climb up on it to open the lock.  Once I unlocked the door, I remember getting off the chair and opening it.    

I don’t know how I walked in the theater without anyone noticing me.  But next thing I know, I was there by myself sitting in the theater.  I remember thinking “when is this movie going to start?”  I kept looking around and no one was there.  All I saw was a blank white screen.  

After that, I don’t know if I fell asleep or not, but eventually someone found me.  By then, I was sitting on a bench by the front entrance of the theater.  I remember it well... I saw two ladies working the candy/food counter and they were putting the food on display.  I kept thinking to myself how hungry I was and how I wished they would give me something to eat (ha! seems to me that’s all I think about, even today…!)

I don’t remember much after that.  

While I continued talking on the phone with my mom and reliving this little piece of my life, she told me it was the worst day of her life.  She said it happened during the “fiestas” so there were lots of people coming into town.   She said she was afraid someone had picked me up and taken me away.  There was a big river near by and they also feared that I had gone there and possibly drowned!  She had the whole family looking for me.  They went to all the nearby businesses, including the theater.  She asked around the theater if they had seen a little girl and no one did.  By then, she had the whole town looking for me.  But after few hours of looking high and low, and no sight of me, everyone began to panic.  My mom said she felt like she was going to die.  It was a total nightmare!  

Finally, one of my aunts decided to go back to theater in hopes of finding me.  She asked the ladies at the counter again if they had seen a little girl and one of the ladies said to my aunt, “you must be looking for this little girl, she’s been sitting here quietly by herself.”  And that’s when they found me.  Yes, I was there looking innocently sitting on the bench all by myself.   Of course, my mom said that no one could believe that a little girl would walk to theater by herself.  Now remember I was only 2 or 3 years old when this happened.  The theater was about 4-6 blocks from where I lived and across from the plaza.  So picture me as a little toddler walking by myself for several blocks, crossing a few streets and no one ever saw me.  How did this happen?  I have no idea!

All I know is that I must have really loved going to the movies!  And I still do!

be thankful...

Friday we had a baby shower for one of my friends at work.  Many of our coworkers and friends attended the shower, including girls that had already left the firm but came just for this occasion.  She had a great turn out.  She received many baby gifts, including cash.  What a lucky baby…!

That same day, my daughter had to attend a wake.  The mother of one of her classmates passed away.  She was fighting a battle against cancer and it finally took its toll.  It was so sad to learn of her passing away.  I spoke to my daughter about it because I knew she had many questions and she was saddened to see one of her classmates having to go through this hard time in such a young age.   My heart goes out to the family and may God bless them and give them strength.  

Friday was also “C’s” birthday.  She is a close friend of ours.   She did not have plans for that night so we took her out for pizza and beer.  We invited several other friends to join us.  One of our friends was not going to make it to the pizza party because she had to go to a wake.  And while sitting at the restaurant, we came to discover that another good friend of ours, whose company we enjoy so much, was not going to make it to the party either.  She has had a couple surgeries in the past and was doing well…she is also fighting a battle with cancer.  But now, I was told she was in and out of the hospital for the past week and has to go through chemo.   She is such a happy person who has a wonderful voice and loves to sing.  I hope she continues to beat this cancer and will soon recover.  We will keep her in our prayers.

When I was in high school, I too lost a very dear friend to cancer.  She was only sixteen.   Her name was Carmen.  She was a kind person who was always happy.  No matter what was going on in her life and even though she was going through tough times, she always managed to make us laugh.  How sad that her family had to lose such a wonderful young lady.  I will never forget her.

Today, I went to another baby shower for our friend “S”.  She had many friends and family members to help her celebrate that special occasion.  She received many wonderful gifts for her baby but nothing compares to the love and happiness that her soon to arrive bundle of joy will bring.  

I began to wonder about life.  Some are here celebrating the beginning of a new life, while others are grieving the loss of a loved one.  There is so much more I would like to say about this, but I’m not sure if I even know how to express my feelings at this time.  

Things do happen for a reason, even though sometimes it’s hard for us to understand why or make any sense of it.   But when we are fortunate enough to live life, it can truly be an amazing experience!  

I know at times we may not think so, but every day that we are alive is truly a blessing.  We should take one day at time and be thankful for our good health, our family and friends.    

memories...

There have been so many things happening lately. Too many changes…hopefully for the better. For one thing, we finally closed on the property we’ve been trying to sell! Yeah! It was about time and we sold it to developers who also bought the house next door. They are going to demolish both properties and construct new condos.

Although, I’m happy that we sold our property, it also makes me sad to let it go. Not only was it our first property and home together but also it was where our kids spent their first few years of their lives growing up. We drove by the house the other day, and it brought back so many memories.

I remember when we first moved in. I started to wonder what the hell were we thinking buying that house and in that neighborhood? It was gang city! There were gang members hanging around on every corner of our block. Every weekend, we would wake up to the sound of a car alarm, as it was being broken into or left to burn on the alley behind our house. We got ours broken into a couple of times. We’ve had to call the fire department several times. We used to live across the street from an elementary school and the gang members would hold their gang meetings in the school’s playground! Could you believe it!? I’ll never forget late one Sunday afternoon, we came out to go to the store and there must have been over 50 guys outside (I’m not exaggerating either!) on the school’s playground! People were afraid to come out and too scared to call cops, they just did not want to get involved in case the gang members found out who ratted on them. The gangs had run of the whole neighborhood.

Every week there was at least one gang shooting. One night, my husband was about to walk out the front door but my dog went out before him. And the next thing we knew, we heard gunshots! A guy was running forward as he was holding his gun and shooting behind him. Our dog was sitting by the front gate just watching them run by. My husband quickly stepped inside. I was at the top of the stairs yelling out to him, “Get Beau inside and close the door!” He was against the wall near the door yelling back at me saying, “Hell no!” “I don’t want to get shot!”

So you ask yourself, why would you miss that? Well, soon things began to change.

When my hubby suspected something was going on or about to happen, or just knowing that a little group was beginning to form on the corner of our block, he would call the cops…day and night!

Every garage door was filled with gang graffiti and the alleys were dirty and full of garbage. One day, my husband bought a couple of cans of paint and began to paint over our garage door, including our next-door neighbor’s. The following day, there would be more graffiti. And once again, there goes my husband getting the paint and painting over it. He did this not once or twice but several times. Each time there was graffiti on the property, he would paint over it. He wouldn’t give up! He then went around asking our neighbors if he could do the same to their garage doors. Some neighbors would say, “What for, they’ll only do it again! It’s a waste of money and paint!” Others were astonished but happy that there was someone willing to do it!

My hubby and I would also get up and start cleaning out the garbage from our alley every Sunday morning. We would start with our side and soon he ended up going all the way to the end of the alley. At first, being the “bitch” that I am, I said to him, “Why are you cleaning up after everybody?” “Let them do the work!” And he would say, “Just leave me alone, I know what I’m doing.” And sure enough, one day a neighbor came out and began to help us, and for the next couple of weeks a couple more neighbors began to join us in the clean up. I was amazed! Not only were people no longer afraid to come outside, but also our alleys were beginning to look clean and our garage doors were free of graffiti!

Late one night, we came home from a party and as we were walking towards the house, my husband stops me and says, “Do you hear that?” I’m looking around thinking “Oh shit!” I’m starting to get scared. He says, “No, no, listen!” I’m looking at him wondering what the hell is he talking about? I don’t hear anything! Then it hit me. I knew what he meant. For the first time ever, our block was quiet. The only sound came from a couple of cars driving by. I looked around the school and at the corner…no more gangs hanging around!

Pretty soon, cops would drive by everyday to keep and eye on our neighborhood. No, more cars burning in the alley, no more drug dealings, no more pit bull fights and no more gang shootings!

Yes!!!! With the help of our neighbors, we finally took over!

We’ve had our share of good times and bad times. But one of the memories that came to mind was of my two little kids walking out the front gate carrying their little backpacks on their way to school, smiling and waving goodbye at me and I had a sense of relief knowing that they would be o.k.

Another hectic day...

I had a hectic day today. After going to bed way past midnight, I managed to get up at 6 this morning. I knew I had to get up and put the clothes in the dryer (my daughter needed her uniform, which I didn't put to wash until late last night).

As a school assignment, my daughter had to present a recipe for her class. She picked "arroz con leche" (rice with milk). I thought easy! You boil the rice, add the milk, lower the heat, simmer, add sugar and cinnamom to taste and presto, it's done!

When it would get cold outside, my mom used to make it for us when we were kids and we loved it. You can have it as a hot breakfast or as a snack/desert. It shouldn't take more than 30 minutes to prepare. I'm not sure what went wrong but it took us a little over an hour before the arroz con leche was finally cooked! I put some in a container for my daughter to take to school. By then, I had to rush to get the kids and myself ready. When I finally walked out the door, I took the bus to the train station so I woudn't miss my train. And just as I reached the station, the train was already there. I ran down the ramp as fast as I could to try to catch it before it took off. I actually broke a sweat! This is becoming a regular thing for me. It's the only exercise I get! The train conductor was nice enough to wait for me and a couple other people that were running behind me. Most conductors don't even bother. Even if they see you getting close, they leave. I hate that! When I reached for the doors, I was gasping for air. I could barely say "thank you". I'm huffing and puffing trying to catch my breath. I could feel the sweat running down my back! Phew! I made it! If I continue doing this every day, I may lose a pound or two!

At work, it's always the same old thing. Everything is urgent! Just as I was getting things done, we had a fire drill. We all got ready and left our desks, walked one floor down the stairwell and stood by hallway next to the elevators until they told us we can go back to our desks. The only good thing about that interruption was the fireman...oooh, was he hot! He explained to us what to do in case of a real fire and my mind started to wonder... yes, I was thinking fire... it was more like...baby, come put out my fire!

Just as I was getting started on another project, I had to leave my desk for a 30 minute training class. The instructor was having trouble with the computer she was working on so she couldn't demonstrate some of the things she wanted to show us. And to boot, the computer I was on did not work either! What the hell! So by the time we moved ahead, the training course ended being be a whole hour. What a waste of time! My boss didn't seem too happy when I came back to my desk. He already had another big pile ready for me to send out immediately. Now I had to rush to get those things done before I left work. And of course, today I had to leave earlier than usual because I had to go to the parent/teacher conference at school.

When I arrived at school, I was right on time and so was my husband. That's a first for him. He's always running late! We met with my daughter's SS teacher. He was very nice. Even though her overall grade in that class was a B-, he was concerned that her tests scores were very low. He showed us the answers given on her test which gave us the impression that she did not understand the question. "She may have trouble with comprehension," he said. Once or twice a week, she's taken out of class to go see Mr. Z, an English teacher who helps her with her assignments. I was hoping that this was not going to be the case, as she was not too keen about this. We explained to her that once she showed us she can improve her test scores and grades, she will not have to go to Mr. Z anymore. But in the meantime, she will do so and we will also be working with her in trying to encourage and guide her.

All in all, the teachers had good things to say about my kids. But the reality is my daughter needs extra help. I wonder if, just to be on the safe side, I should take her to a learning center to get her tested?

how embarrassing...!

After a hard day at work, an exciting afternoon with Beyoncé and a long discussion with my daughter regarding her grades, I was exhausted!

There was a pile of dishes to be washed and laundry to do. So I changed into my pajamas to get ready to work some more. As I was washing the dishes, I remembered that there was a deadline to enroll my daughter in her confirmation process. I went to check on the papers that I had (I was sure the deadline was tomorrow). Wrong! The deadline was today by 9:00 p.m. I hadn’t even filled the registration form or the confirmation letters yet. One letter had to be filled and signed by my daughter and the other by us. It was getting late so I asked my husband to fill out the form while I rushed to go and get dressed again.

We went to drop off the forms at the Rectory and, before driving back home, we decided to stop at Walgreens to pick up something sweet to eat (not that we don’t have enough Halloween candy already!) My husband had a taste for ice cream. While at the store, I figure I might as well get shampoo and conditioner for me. As we were standing looking for my hair products, my husband runs into someone who used to work for him. He introduces me and we chatted for a little bit. We finally went to the checkout line and my husband says, “Oh my God!” “Have you seen the way you’re dressed?” The lady at the cash register looks at me and says, what’s wrong with that? “I’ve gone out with my pajamas.” I know I was not wearing my pajamas… then I realized what I was wearing… I couldn’t believe I had actually come out looking like that! It never fails… why is it that you always run into people you know when you least want to be seen?

This was my wardrobe…I was wearing my black work shoes, my husband’s red sweat pants, which fit me loose, my son’s black/grey sweater, and get this… my light green blouse, which was showing, under my sweater! “I can’t believe you let me walk out of the house looking like this!” I yelled at my husband. He just laughed and walked away acting like he didn’t know me and was embarrassed to walk with me! What a jerk! Then I noticed something too, I looked down at his feet and what do I see? He was wearing his dirty old, ragged sneakers with his little toes sticking out of them! Ha! Who’s embarrassing now?!

a glimpse of Beyonce...

Meet Beyoncé Knowles…

“Beyoncé is introducing her dazzling new fragrance “True Star Gold”, created by Tommy Hilfiger. Come experience this electrifying new scent. Be one of the first to purchase True Star Gold Eau de Toilette Spray and have Beyoncé personally sign the box, while time permits. For a limited time, True Star Gold is available exclusively at Marshall Field's.”

After work, I went to Marshall Fields in hopes of being able to catch a glimpse of Beyoncé. This time, I carried with me, in my purse, a disposal camera with about six pictures left to go. When I got to MF, there was a long ass line. I asked one of the persons in line what they were doing there and she said that it was the line to buy Beyoncé’s perfume. There was no way, I was going to get on that long, and I mean long, line! It curved all the way to the other side of the store. I decided to walk by the cosmetic department instead, when I heard the screaming fans. I turned around and followed the screams in the crowd. I was trying to see where she was but there were too many people in that one area.

Of course, now that I have a camera, there was no way in that mass of people I was going to be able to take a picture of her. But I squeezed myself into the crowd anyway. When I finally caught a glimpse of Beyoncé, she was standing across from us but several objects in front were blocking my view. I’m just too damn short!

People who were in line next to us, had to show the box and receipt of their purchase of the perfume in order to get to meet her. They were getting closer to their chance of meeting Beyoncé. Good for them! If I had the time and energy to stand for hours, maybe I would have considered it. But there must have been a least 600 people in the store, and there were over a hundred in line waiting for chance to meet her in person. I’m sure after a while, some of them never made it because after all it was for a limited time only. I feel sorry for them.

It was getting to the point where it was too crowded and people began to push and shove. A lady in front of me was kind enough to let me go in front of her so I could try to take a picture. Thanks nice lady! As best as I could, I was able to take a couple of snap shots (which I’m sure are going to suck big time with my cheap disposable) but hey, at least I tried.

It soon became too stuffy in there and I’ve finally had enough. I really wanted to catch a better glimpse of Beyoncé but it was getting late and it was time for me to leave. I knew the only thing I was going to miss catching at this point, if I didn’t hurry, was my train!

grades...

My kids got their report cards yesterday.  My son got A’s and a couple of B’s.  And my daughter got A, B’s and a few C’s.  I believe they did pretty good right?  I think so.

Homework assignments do count as major part of their grade so the B’s my son got were due to late assignments (points were taken off).   We have already discussed this little problem with him and he continues to have at least one assignment late or missing.  I know he completes the assignment because I check it every night and I see him putting it away in his folder.  But once he gets to school, I don’t know what he does with it, he never seems to find it!

I am concerned for my daughter too.  She was having a hard time last year and she did not do too well in her last report card.  But this quarter, according to her grades, she got A in Art, Computer, Spanish and PE; B- in SS and B in Music.  She got C’s in Religion, Math and Science and a C- in English.   So she’s come along way from last year.  I’m proud of her because I know she’s been trying hard.  We also have a friend whose tutoring her and that has helped her improve her grades.  

Today, she showed us her math test that she took last week.  She got an F!   That’s not the only F she’s gotten this quarter.  I don’t know what to do.  She takes good notes, writes them down again and she studies every night.  And yet when she takes a test, she still has trouble.  Tomorrow I have to go to the parent/teacher conference.     Let’s see how it goes…

The mysterious bite...

This morning, I got up early even after I went to bed late last night. When I went down stairs to let the dogs out, I got Chiquis out of her kennel and noticed she had a dark mark on her little head. I couldn't figure it out if it was dirt, a mark or a.... Oh, no... not again! And on her first week back home! I am reliving this moment once again! Remember Chino? He was bitten by Beau and had a big cut on his face. Well, it seems Chiquis has been a victim of a bite too. When did this happen that I didn't noticed it before? It's a case of who dunnit? Was it Beau or was it Coqueta? Damn!

So here I go again...on my way to the Vet! Geeze! I don't think they're surprised to see me anymore. I'm forever indebted to them! Chiquis got her vaccinations for the year and now has two staples on her head. Ay, ya, yay! What next? I'm afraid to ask!

Words to live by...

Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “...holy shit...what a ride!”

inhale...exhale...!

After I got off the train and walked towards the school, I noticed my hubby had left the car parked nearby so I could drive the kids home.

It was almost time for my kids to get out of school and by the time I reached it, the children were barely coming out, so I waited. My son (“B”) was the first one out. I called my sister while waiting for my daughter (“D) to come out. My sis was telling me how she was having a hard time cleaning out her house. After Saturday’s Halloween party, there was a huge mess and she was not even close to finishing!

While talking to her, I kept looking out for my daughter. Pretty soon, everyone was out and no sight of D. I hung up with my sister and called the school to see if D was still inside. They said they would page her. After five minutes of waiting, I went inside the school to find out where she was. The secretary did not know. She offered to page her again and still nothing. I asked her if she knew whether D had drama or a Girl Scout meeting. She checked and said no, she did not know of any meetings. She asked me if somehow D left with a friend and I told her no, we always pick her up Even though I tried not to...I was beginning to worry, after all it has been at least 20 minutes that she's been missing. Where could she be? The principal was there too and she checked on her computer. No, no meeting. She paged her again and tried checking with her room teacher. What the hell is going on! Why is she not in school? O.k…I’m trying to be calm about this… I told them I would check outside again in case I had missed her while coming up.

I walked out the door and no one was there. I walked over to the car and asked B if he’d seen his sister. He said “No, mom.” My heart was starting to beat a little faster than normal. I think it was more like... yes, I was beginning to panic. If she had no meetings or drama class, where else could she be? My mind started racing. Pretty soon, I was imaging all kinds of awful things. Oh, God! I could feel my legs trembling.

I was about to call my husband but decided to call the school one last time to see if they were able to find her. And to my relief, the secretary said she just found out that D was at drama! As she was explaining to me that, apparently, her Monday drama class got canceled and they were making it up today, I realized that I had been holding my breath.

D never told me about it and the secretary had not been aware of it. What I don’t understand is why when they paged my daughter, no one responded?

I began to slowly inhale and exhale and thanked GOD that my daughter was still at school. I felt stupid for overreacting! But I couldn’t help getting that awful feeling in my gut, especially when the school told me she wasn’t there. I can’t even begin to imagine what would have happened if we hadn’t found her! I started thinking of all the families that have lost a child. My prayers go out to them…

Once I got home, I opened the back door to let the dogs out in the yard. Chiquis ran to the gate and takes off as she slips out through the gap. I called her and she would not come. She was running towards a tree near the street. Oh, no! If I chase her she would definitely run out on the street. We live near a main street and traffic is heavy during this time of day. Now I was praying… “Please GOD don’t let her run out on the street.” My son and daughter came outside. They called her a couple of times and after trying to corner her my son somehow managed to grab her. I had my heart in my throat. Phew...! She was real close to crossing that street!

What a day! First my daughter and now this!

Oh, I needed to calm down… I was beginning to feel like nervous wreck!

Inhale… exhale… inhale... exhale…!

O.K. now… I think I can breathe again… !