A few weeks ago, I had been sick with a bad cough. Just when I thought I've gotten over it, this morning I woke up feeling worse. My nose feels stuffed and yet it's dripping like a faucet. I look like Rudolph the red-nose reindeer. It's raw from blowing my nose too much. My ears feel plugged but hey, at least my cough has subsided. This is the longest I've been sick. It's getting to be irritating!

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, we had really good weather. It was sunny, warm and it felt like spring. Now the temperature dropped and it's been drizzling all day. This morning I woke up to the weather report announcing that we're expected to have very cold weather and snow (6-12 inches)!

This past couple of weeks, I've been in contact with a few of my HS classmates. Since our HS class reunion is coming up next year, they've been wanting to get together to plan for this reunion. It's been several years since I've seen my friends. I am excited to get a chance to meet them again after all these years and yet...I am scared. Scared because... well you know... are they going to like me? I don't want them to see me like this...I've gained a lot of weight since HS. What are they going to think of me?

On my way to work, I began thinking about this meeting. We're supposed to meet later today after work. I began wondering what my friends look like now. What have they been up to? Soon, I began having these feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I had all these thoughts running through my mind. Pretty soon I was feeling sorry for myself. Finding everything wrong that they could possibly find about me... my looks...my weight... etc. Do I look old? Being sick did not help matters.

As I was getting off the train, I saw a man talking to a person who appeared to be his friend. But what caught my eye was that he had a large dark mole covering half of his face. He did not appear to be self-conscious. He was smiling and happily talking to that person.

I continued walking down the street and came across another man. He was a handsome man except for one thing... when he turned, I saw that he had an enlarged mole or growth behind one of his ears. It was so big it looked like he had a gulf ball hanging from his ear. The man seemed not to have a care in the world and did not seem to mind or worry about how people looked at him and/or what they thought about him.

For a split second, I felt sorry for them and then I started thinking to myself, was this a sign from above? No... I shouldn't feel sorry for them. I was right to feel sorry for myself... only because here I am putting myself down and complaining. Imagine if that would have been me! It made me realize that I should be more grateful. No one is perfect. Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have (in most cases).

After making peace with myself, I thought about attending this meeting. Forget about how I look or what they are going to think about me. I need to quit worrying about that stuff and stop being this way! I should consider myself lucky.

But as time passed, I did not feel any better. I had no choice... so I e-mailed one of my classmates to tell her I was not going to be able to join them. In a way, I was looking forward to meeting them and yet, deep down, I secretly felt relieved being sick so that I had an excuse not to go.

Is this bad or what?!

...

This morning I woke up feeling strange... more like I wanted to cry my heart out...and so I did (well, enough so as not to get noticed).

I got up and went downstairs to let my pet Coqueta out to pee. By the time I got to her her, she had an another accident. There was poop all around where she was laying. Since she stepped on it when she got up, she left poop paw prints all over the floor!

I was already in a hurry and I didn't want to be late for work. But I had no choice, I had to clean up the mess before I left. I got so upset! Not only did I had to clean up the mess, but I had to wash her too. It was so gross!

Before I knew it, I was in tears. Hot tears burning down my cheeks. Tears of anger...tears of pain...I don't know. As I turned to look at her, I saw it in her eyes... she too was sad and she knew I was unhappy. It made me feel even worse because I know it's not her fault.

Yesterday she was outside enjoying the nice weather. She was actually running around on the grass. Except for having her "accidents", she's doing great. But for some reason, she just can't go do her "duty" outside. It always happens when she's laying down. Is it fair to her and to me? What am I doing here? How long am I going to do this for? I know she's just a "dog". But she's been with us for 15 years! How can I not take care of her when she needs me? Am I doing the right thing?

I went back upstairs and as I was wiping my tears, my daughter sees me and turns to my son and asks him, "Why is mom crying?" My son replies, "I think she's depressed."

Depressed... yes, I'm starting to feel it. One more thing to add to things...and it's really breaking my heart...!

A note of thanks...

This is why I continue to keep our Thanksgiving tradition...

For several years now, the tradition has been to host Thanksgiving dinner at our house. Even though our family has known this for years and have attended our Thanksgiving dinner each year, I still have certain members who complain about not having been sent an invitation (even though I never do) or not giving them enough notice (even though it's been talked about it weeks before).

As the years go by, the family keeps growing and growing...and my "big" house suddenly is becoming "smaller". To the point that for two years in a row now, we've had to move our dining room in the living room to accommodate everyone for a sit down dinner.

This Thanksgiving, we had to use two of our dining room tables and two picnic tables to be able to seat everyone at the dinner table. Not including the kids table! We were expecting a little over 25 adults and 15 children.

As the family keeps growing, it's becoming harder to seat everyone together on the same table or in the same side/section of the table. My dad, for the first time in years, actually showed up for dinner and we ended up moving a couple people around. In doing so, I ended up "offending" certain people either because they weren't seated in their "usual" spot or at the "head of the table" or because they were put next to someone they did not want to be seated next to.

When they were all asked to sit at their assigned seats, everyone began moving and reassigning their seats and by the time everyone got seated, some members had already started eating dinner before we even said grace. I heard some whispers of family members complaining about the food being "cold" and how they had to "serve themselves" or didn't get to eat some of the food. The food was set at the table and everyone passes the food around. I was the last one to sit down and did not even get to enjoy my dinner.

Every year, has been the same, so what made this year different? What did they expect...to be catered?! There was plenty of food for everyone to eat... and how did they expect me to have everything served hot right out of the oven?

I thought Thanksgiving was a time for families to celebrate a holiday and an opportunity to get together and enjoy a nice dinner and share their company. But apparently this was not the case. To me, it appeared to be just another excuse for people to get together and "complain/criticize" just about everything. It also became another excuse to "party".

My sister AC came over to my house the night before to make all the preparations for the Thanksgiving dinner and spent the whole day on Thanksgiving Day cooking. My other sister came to my house several times during the week to help me clean up and get the house ready for Thanksgiving. It took me two days after Thanksgiving to clean up the mess that was left over. The problem is that only a few people actually help clean and even so, in the end, I still end up doing most of the cleaning afterwards.

Hosting Thanksgiving dinner for a big family, took a lot of time, preparation and work... and for people to come criticize and complain... really pissed me off! There was just too much going on. It made me realize certain things.... and one of it was...is this worth the effort?

Thank goodness Thanksgiving comes just once a year. I overheard a family member suggesting having Christmas at my place.... ha! I don't think so!

I think one holiday is enough!

Coqueta...

It's been a week since Coqueta got out of the yard and got hit by a car as she attempted to cross a busy street.

Let me tell you, she's one amazing pup! I don't think she's ready to go! I can't believe how well she is doing, considering what happened to her and her age!

She walks around and, even though it's a little harder for her now to walk up and down the steps, she does it. Her back legs aren't as strong as they used to, and they tend to shake. On occasion, her hind legs give out as she tries to climb the steps, so I try to keep her from doing so.

The one problem she has encountered is a weak bladder and bowels. She has had a few little "accidents". I can tell she gets depressed when she does have an "accident" by the way she just lays there and looks so sad. I've had to wash her a couple of times and once I do, she is back to normal. I hope things will get better soon. It's been tough on both of us. Vet says it will.

I'm concerned that, as the weather gets colder, how is this going to affect her. I'm sure her bones are going to ache...hell my bones already do!